They’re giving me a mallet and I need a syringe.

I feel like I’m walking this tightrope between Xanax and coffee. If I don’t drink coffee at all, I’m non-functional. If I drink too much coffee too fast, I’m uncomfortable all day long.

(And of course if I don’t take the Xanax, I’m constantly on the edge of a panic attack.)

One of these days, I’ll figure out just the right schedule for taking my Xanax, and just the right amount of coffee to drink and the right pace to drink it. By then, maybe I’ll be free of panic disorder and I’ll only have to medicate for generalized anxiety.

I’m glad to have the Xanax for now, but I hope it isn’t a long-term thing. It works basically by hammering the nervous system down until it can’t cause any serious problems. I think I can do better than that.

(Right now I’ve had two cups of coffee for the day, and I’ve been struggling to stay awake since before 4PM.)