Kalahari Bushmen, Han Chinese, Carthaginians and Aztecs

It’s basically impossible for anyone to make an argument continuing to exclude same-sex couples from civil marriage without embarrassing themself anymore. Today I show you this vicious BURN from Ishaan Tharoor on Chief Justice John G. Roberts, who complains:

…the Court invalidates the marriage laws of more than half the States and orders the transformation of a social institution that has formed the basis of human society for millennia, for the Kalahari Bushmen and the Han Chinese, the Carthaginians and the Aztecs. Just who do we think we are?

As Tharoor goes on to show us, the randomly chosen four cultures (I will be charitable and assume he just listed whatever cultures came to mind without any research) are hardly exemplars of the procreative, monogamous, heterosexist culture Justice Roberts thinks we should be trying to maintain. At least he didn’t mention Ancient Greece.

That out of the way, I will answer each of Roberts’s questions in turn, with all the consideration and nuance his concerns deserve. In order of appearance:

…the Court invalidates the marriage laws of more than half the States

More than half the states had discriminatory, unfair laws on marriage. They can fucking deal with it.

and orders the transformation of a social institution that has formed the basis of human society for millennia

Society is not going to fall apart because we civil marriage to another small percentage of the population. No, it really won’t. We’ll be okay. Several countries have had marriage equality for a number of years, and their people aren’t facing a degradation in their quality of life. Several states in the US instituted marriage equality years ago (some of us even by popular vote!) and we’re still doing just fine. Humanity might destroy itself by fucking up the planet with carbon emissions and ocean acidification, but same-sex marriage is not the bringer of Doomsday.

Just who do we think we are?

We are the newest member of Team Fabulous! Rainbow is the new black, muthafucka!

No, you are not the Bonhoeffer in this moment.

It’s so cute when the Enforcers of Tradition act like they’re the victims of the evil status quo while they take the side of the oppressors. (And by cute I mean pukeworthy.) Huckabee is up to his usual tricks

I don’t think a lot of pastors and Christian schools are going to have a choice. They’re either going to follow God, what they truly believe, or they will follow civil law. They’ll go the path of Dr. Martin Luther King, who in his brilliant essay, the Letters from a Birmingham Jail (sic), reminded us — based on what St. Augustine said — that an unjust law is no law at all.

Abusing the words of Dr. King is basically a reflex for the American Right Wing at this point. It’s like someone pushes a button, and they start talking about MLK like they would’ve been on his side. Nice try, but I fucking see you.

Huckabee isn’t the only one calling for grassroots opposition to the Supreme Court’s ruling. For months, several far-right conservative pastors — including Southern Baptist Convention President Ronnie Floyd — have been referring to America’s slow embrace of marriage equality as a “Bonhoeffer moment” for opponents of LGBT rights, invoking the name of famous German Lutheran pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer who was killed for participating in an assassination attempt against Adolf Hitler.

Oh, dear. How do I say this?

Fifty years from now, opponents of gay rights—emphatically including civil marriage—will be the ones that we struggle to explain to our disbelieving, horrified grandchildren. From what I recall, sexual minorities were among the groups targeted for extermination by the Hitler regime. If Ronnie Floyd had lived in Germany at that time, he wouldn’t have sympathized with Bonhoeffer. 

But by all means, Enforcers of Tradition, keep on acting like we’re making you the oppressed underdog by letting more people get married to the people they love. Keep on embarrassing yourselves.

I’ll be the weird old lady hobbling around the neighborhood, surrounded by a gaggle of curious little kids examining my wrinkled tattoos, while I explain to them that when I was their age, same-sex couples could take care of each other for decades and never be allowed to marry. I’ll be the one who explains to them how society could be so warped and hateful. 

In Which Clarence Thomas Embarrasses Himself

For today’s SCOTUS decision on the legality of same-sex marriage, all four of the dissenting judges wrote separate opinions. Seems they’re all trying to out-bullshit each other.

You’ve probably heard about Scalia, running around and Scalia-ing all over the place. He is certainly colorful, and I welcome him to walk around downtown DC with a bag over his head.

Right now, I’m going to deal with Clarence Thomas, whose dissent is certainly…special.

There are plenty of places to find this shit, but right now my source is Ophelia Benson, sharing selected highlights:

Human dignity has long been understood in this country
to be innate. When the Framers proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence that “all men are created equal” and “endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,” they referred to a vision of mankind in which all humans are created in the image of God and therefore of inherent worth. That vision is the foundation upon which this Nation was built.

The corollary of that principle is that human dignity
cannot be taken away by the government. Slaves did not
lose their dignity (any more than they lost their humanity)
because the government allowed them to be enslaved.
Those held in internment camps did not lose their dignity
because the government confined them. And those denied
governmental benefits certainly do not lose their dignity
because the government denies them those benefits. The
government cannot bestow dignity, and it cannot take it
away.

He’s telling us that this Nation (with a capital N) was founded on a vision in which “human dignity” is a meaningless concept. Those who use dictionary definitions as arguments in bestowing and withholding rights to certain groups of people should be disturbed by Justice Thomas’s non-definition of human dignity. He’s arguing, almost in as many words, that people still have dignity when the government treats us like crap, so we have no right to complain when the government treats us like crap.

I mean, but, but…slaves were not deprived of dignity? Really? You think that’s an acceptable thing to say while arguing against marriage equality?

I am holding up my middle finger at the camera and staring in exhausted disbelief. This picture was taken years ago. My hair was longer at the time.

I am holding up my middle finger at the camera and staring in exhausted disbelief. This picture was taken years ago. My hair was longer at the time.

GO HOME, CLARENCE THOMAS. YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT.

Where can they escape Team Fabulous?

I will now take suggestions for countries that Americans can move to if they don’t want to live in a country where same-sex couples have the right to civil marriage. Canada is out, as they’ve been on Team Fabulous since 2005. Australia is a possibility for the moment, but I don’t think they’ll be safe there for very long. Suggested countries should preferably be English-speaking, though if our bigot refugees can’t talk to anyone, that won’t really pose a problem for the locals.

Up is down! Black is white! Dogs and cats, living together!

Everyone knows that when same-sex couples have the same access to the rights of marriage as heterosexuals, everything good and wholesome falls apart like toilet paper in a hurricane. Of course, we’ve had marriage equality for years now in several states, including mine, and the Great Divorce Apocalypse hasn’t happened in any of those states, but now that we have joined Team Fabulous as an entire nation, we all know the floodgates are about to open up.

(I just called a bunch of my married hetero friends to ask if they were packing their bags to abandon their spouses now that the SCOTUS put us on Team Fabulous. They said no.)

So, if you have a tale of a formerly blissful, stable heterosexual marriage suddenly disappearing in a puff of dust due to the expansion of marriage equality, post your tale in the comments section on this post. And I will drink your tears.

Hooray for judicial activism!

If you haven’t visited anywhere in social media within the last few minutes, you may be hearing it first from me:

THE USA NOW HAS MARRIAGE EQUALITY IN ALL 50 STATES, BY DECISION OF THE SUPREME COURT.

Holy fuck. This is so awesome. We are a nation of 50 States of Fabulous. 

And the tears. Oh, the Enforcers of Tradition will scream and gnash their teeth and tear our their hair over this. They will beat their fists on the floor and wail about “judicial activism!” As if they didn’t move the goalposts when certain states legalized same-sex marriage by popular vote. I LOOK FORWARD TO DRINKING YOUR TEARS, HOMOPHOBIC BIGOTS.

YES!

Congratulations, Ireland! You’re fabulous and amazing!

Ah, this is weird.

I keep seeing people on Facebook saying that Utah now has legal same-sex marriage. (I knew already about New Mexico. That much is awesome.)

I think it’ll take another day or two before this sinks in. If it’s really happening, and couples are getting married, then congratulations, Utah, on joining the Cool States Club! In the meantime, show me your bigots, your Enforcers of Tradition. Give me your illogic, your slippery slope panic, your Really Bad Arguments. I look forward to sharpening my teeth on delicious nonsense.

Brain Surgeon Wrong About Everything

Ben Carson is very, very afraid that Life As Christians Know It will go catapulting down the crapper if marriage equality advances. He had this to say to the Illinois Family Institute:

Speaking to the anti-LGBT group Illinois Family Institute (IFI) on Friday, Carson explained that the Bible compares the relationship between Jesus Christ and his followers to a marriage.

“Think about the implications of that,” he said. “When people come along and try to change the definition of marriage, they are directly attacking the relationship between God and his people.”

“And that’s the reason it’s so important for them to change the definition, because if you can get rid of that, you can get rid of everything else in the Bible too,” Carson warned.

[…]

In his speech to IFI on Friday, Carson opined that the “secular progressive movement” was like a “new group of mathematicians who come along and say, ‘Two plus two is five.’”

“The new ones say, ‘If it’s not five for you, you’re a mathophobe,’” he added. “We just have to continue to make it clear because they want to say that anybody who doesn’t believe what they believe is a hater.”

 

 

For someone who can put so many big words together, Dr. Carson sure sounds like a dude swimming eyeball deep in Lake Nonsense.

His concern about marriage equality appears to be as follows: Christians’ love of Christ is like a marriage, so, if same-sex couples are also allowed to get married, then Christians will begin to view their relationship with God in a different manner, and that would ruin everything they hold dear.

(Note: Openly gay people are not included in Dr. Carson’s definition of Christianity.)

Not only will the destruction of Christians’ love of Christ be a consequence of the gay marriage agenda, it is the mere opening of Pandora’s Box. We’re opening with the relatively warm-and-fuzzy act of marriage equality so we can later move on to destroying EVERYTHING about the Bible.

In order to prevent Christians’ relationship with Jesus from changing—meaning, in order to prevent the destruction of the fabric of the universe—the legal definition of marriage must be the same as it is in the Bible.

So, let’s review the way the Bible says marriage is supposed to be:

I think you all knew this would happen.

They misspelled “polygyny.”

Whereas, if two consenting adults of the same gender get married, that ruins everything for True Christians.

The Bible also calculates that pi=3. Now we have these blasphemous people called “math teachers” asking us to believe that pi is 3.141592653589793238 etc. Everything was so much easier and cleaner before we began to stray from the eternal wisdom of the Good Book.