GASPing in disbelief.

Am I always the last one to find out about these viral email sensations?

Jezebel brings us the news of Keara O’Neil making the mistake of bringing her bridesmaids into a GASP store to shop for dresses. Ultimately, she just shouldn’t have gone into the store in the first place. No, seriously, that’s what area manager Matthew Chidgey says to her in response to her complaint of obnoxious, inappropriate treatment by the salesman. I’ll boil it down to save you the Teal Deer and spare you the atrocious grammar:

Poor Fatty:

It’s YOUR FAULT that Chris behaved like a jackass to you because you suck way too hard to spend your money at our business. You should be so lucky as to aspire to emulate the likes of Kim Kardashian and Katy Perry. We hire people like Chris to get rid of customers like you. Don’t darken our doorstep again.

Please note that Chidgey’s assertion that Chris is a “retail superstar” who is “too good at what he does” and knew that Ms. O’Neil and her friends wouldn’t buy anything before they even showed up at the store is directly contradicted by Ms. O’Neil’s account of Chris’s behavior, which involved inappropriately badgering her to buy a particular dress. He was unsuccessful, because she and her bridesmaids walked out empty-handed. To label this person a “retail superstar” is to use a definition of “retail” which is unrelated to doing business by selling clothes.

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Bad, bad Monster

Every time I see a mention of Crazy-Eyes Bachmann spouting off about this, the first thing that comes to my mind is: “Oh, does that explain her?”

Which is a pretty awful way to think, because I’m sure no decent mentally disabled person would ever want to be compared to her.


I think I’m in love.

There’s probably something deeply, profoundly wrong about the etymology of the word “Teabonics,” but the examples themselves are just so entertaining that I won’t protest the misappropriation.

Help! I never learned to spell!

A gorgeous new Flickr stream for liberal bleeding-heart grammarians! See if YOU can spot the spelling/punctuation/grammar error in every pic!

Attention, American-born white people who hate immigrants: LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH!

Breaking news: Cochran, GA is not a pro-gay community.

Ed Brayton brings us the latest deep South pearl-clutching over gay teens at the prom:

Most of the dozen attending the rally said they weren’t bothered by Martin being gay or being allowed to attend prom with his partner. But they said the school system’s decision has brought too much attention to their small town.

What’s that I hear?

The school system, perhaps learning from the recent firestorm over Constance McMillen and her partner, decided to let a boy bring another boy to the prom. Some students are worried that this sudden show of tolerance might bring undue attention to their town, so they’ve decided to hold a rally at the courthouse.

That, my friends, is how you avoid undue attention.

It’s not really about avoiding attention, though, so much as about making sure Cochran gets the right kind of attention:

“We knew Derrick was gay,” said Keith Bowman Jr., a high school senior who showed up at the rally. “They don’t want (Cochran) to be known as a pro gay town.”

Meanwhile, a group of college students paid the rally a visit and showed the organizers how successful they are at avoiding unwanted attention:
“This is a small town. Some of these students are sheltered, and I don’t think they can think for themselves.”
Derrick Martin, I hope you exchanged contact info with these young adults before they left. These are your friends.

Stop letting these dumbasses on TV!

We just keep making the same mistake with these idiots. First we let She Who Must Not Be Given More Attention become a regular fixture in the media, then we let Perez Hilton turn Miss Pacific Piehole into a celebrity of victimized conservatism, and now Coconut-Head of the Week is going straight for the big guns.

This is the lesson we should be learning, but of course we’re not: When beauty queens say stupid bullshit, DON’T PAY ATTENTION.

She’s trying to ban THAT?!

Anna North reports at Jezebel that a Wisconsin mother is trying to get Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants banned from the school library:

If parents insist on thoroughly sanitizing the books their kids have access to, kids will probably respond by reading less, and by turning to media over which their parents have less control. And really, efforts to ban books from school libraries have come to seem almost depressingly quaint. I wish kids were sneaking into the library, of all places, to get their hands on edgy shit that would freak their parents out. The reality is that kids can get shocking material much more easily on the Internet, and books are so uncool in comparison (with, I suppose, a few vampiric exceptions) that parents who think the printed word will destroy their children’s innocence are looking in the wrong place.

As if that dumbass in Georgia campaigning to get Harry Potter banned from the county library wasn’t hilarious enough, now people are after the Traveling Pants series? What?

Speaking of Harry Potter, as Book 5 noted, the most effective way to get young people to read something is to ban it! By all means, parents, excite your teenagers’ curiosity about the secrets hidden in ink on paper at the library! If they can’t get the books from the library, they might have to spend money at the bookstore, which will both contribute to the royalties paid to authors and support the publishers, which will mean more books in the marketplace. If they have to spend their money at the bookstore, they’ll have less left over for junk food and drugs. While you’re at it, you might even end up making books cool.

He says “poo poo”!

Martin Ssempa, Chief Homophobic Fascist of Uganda, riles up the base by showing them gay porn:

“Then, of course, they are grabbing each other’s gentials (sic), that is level number one, touching each other, grabbing each other. Then number three, now they are licking each other’s anus and are licking poop. And they call poo poo, chocolate. You see it is a change of words. I want you to see, Sheikh please forgive me but I want these people to see, they say a picture is worth one thousand words. This is a man eating the other person’s poo poo, can you see that one? Please from BBC, I want you to tell them, we know what they do. “

In order to pass a bill that makes homosexuality a crime punishable by life in prison, Pastor Ssempa shows his audience pictures from gay porn sites and works himself into a verbal lather about men eating each other’s poo poo. Am I the only one with an image in her mind of a little boy squealing in implacable excitement at the sight of a pair of dogs mating in the street? “Lookit, mom! Look at what they’re doing!”

It’d be funny if the situation weren’t so dangerous.

Maybe the amusement is simply a matter of me being a jaded liberal foreigner. The thought of a grown man saying “poo poo” without irony while clutching his pearls at the sight of men grabbing each other seems more comedic than sinister. It’s like he’s never seen porn before. Maybe he really hasn’t seen porn before, or ever engaged in a frank conversation about sex, except for as a clueless kid with other clueless kids who honestly wonder how long they can get away with masturbating before they’ll need glasses.

For the non-heterosexuals actually living in Uganda, however, this is anything but amusing.