It is a new mathematical formula for online dating!

Via Jezebel, who honestly thinks this is a good idea?

“I’m looking for a creative and well-written person to help me with online dating,” says one ad on a freelance jobs search engine. “I’ve set up a Match.com profile, but don’t have the time to tend to it. I’m hoping to pay someone to write emails to girls on my behalf.” In this case, the romantic merely wants his hired gun to procure the “dates” – it’s unclear whether or not he’s supposed to, y’know, pretend to be the guy and make him sound smart/romantic/invested in the process.

The formula is as follows:

C < D

Where C equals the investment in time required for corresponding with potential dating partners, and D equals the amount of time involved in actually dating.

In other words…

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Ah, yes, this is why I don’t visit the hairdresser often.

Oh YES I CAN be frivolous. Yahoo! gives us the scoop on what our hairdressers are usually too tactful to say to us, including:

5. Some women think that if they keep their hair all one length the way it was in high school, everyone will think they’re still in high school. Guess what? You’re not. As you get older, you need to soften the lines around your face. Layers are the magic remedy.

Fuck. That. Noise. I don’t expect to look like a high school kid, I just happen to like hard lines around my face, and I don’t want to have to go back to the hairdresser on a regular schedule to maintain a haircut that she says I need. It was different when I lived in Albania, where a) long hair was more trouble than it was worth, what with the limited running water and lack of air conditioning, and b) a haircut cost me the equivalent of about $3. Since I live in the First World again, I can leave my hair to grow naturally.

There’s also this:

9. If you want to buy a bottle of color and do your own hair to save a buck, you can live with the consequences.

Yeah, fine by me. I mix my own henna once a month and I’m pleased with the results.

Listen, folks, I’m a straightforward and polite customer and I tip well on the rare occasions in which I do put my butt in a stylist’s chair. I am not, however, responsible for how she makes her living. I’ve trimmed my own hair in the bathroom mirror and it looked fine. No one is entitled to my money for services that I don’t need.

Next week: authors explain to the public that it is a matter of common decency and good manners to purchase at least 5 new books a month.

When everyone is part of the problem!

I just watched Freedom Writers last night, and part of the fun of watching it is in wondering, “Did that really happen?” at various moments.

But let’s just assume that everything in the movie actually happened in reality.

I can confidently, honestly say that when I was a waitress, it never occurred to me to tell a customer, “You won’t like that.” Duuuuude. It’s one thing to argue with the dogma of “the customer is always right,” but man, you don’t protect your customers from themselves!

And when I was a teacher, it never, ever occurred to me to ask any student to give us “the Black perspective” on anything. Granted I taught school in Albania and had little to no racial diversity in my classes, and was dealing with a very, very different set of difficulties than Erin Gruwell’s colleagues had with their students, but…yeah, actually, I DO believe there are teachers who act like that. Assholes to the right of me, assholes to the left!

Three Strikes and You’re Out–now find another profile.

I would like to propose a new rule of etiquette for online dating.

We will call it the Second Response Three Strikes rule. The principle is fairly simple. When you’re looking for prospects on a dating website, there is only so far you will get through persistence.

When you try contacting someone for the first time, I say: one attempt at a first response is enough. You send a message, and the other user will either reply, or not. There’s no reason to try more than once.

Then, let’s say your prospect answers a message, or two, or a handful. When you’re waiting for a later response, that’s when the Three Strikes rule applies. We will use the following equation:

F=3a(x+k)

a is an attempt at communication: a PM, IM, or whatever other means are available on the website you use.  x is the longest interval of time that the user in question has taken to answer any of your messages, and k is any number greater than 0. F, therefore, is a failure to connect.

In plain English: if you make 3 attempts at communication since you last heard from this person, each followed by a reasonable amount of time, you should not expect to hear from the user anymore and should therefore quit stalking his/her profile and move on.

(Honestly, some people make me wonder: “How many times do I have to ignore you?!”)