In which I am indistinguishable from one of those crunchy health-purist types

Well, you guise, it seems this is the month when I spend a lot of time at medical appointments. I will count the dentist as a medical professional. I had what was the first of at least 3 medical-professional visits today.

Barring any ominous phone calls 7-10 days from now, I’ve got a good explanation for this weird GYN crap that’s been bothering me since the last visit from Aunt Flow, two prescriptions to clear it up, and that should be sufficient for the time being.

And this is the part where you’ll be glad I put this under a cut.

When I switched from tampons and disposable pads to a Keeper cup and cloth pads years ago, it was less because “ew nasty chemicals and evil rayon fibers that ruin everything in your lady parts” and more because “that shit takes up a lot of space in landfills and it’s expensive.” Also, the supposedly more-green, healthier all-organic tampons didn’t impress me; the premise was basically that they’re less infection-prone because they don’t absorb very much so you have no choice but to change them frequently. I don’t like the idea of a product that protects me by being less effective. I bought a Keeper and some cloth pads for economic/ecological reasons, and they’ve served me well over the years.

However, recently I’ve noticed that the Keeper puts a lot of pressure on my bladder, which doesn’t seem to be getting any tougher as I get older, and I’d prefer not to increase my trips to the Little Monster’s Room beyond what is necessary, so I figured this would be a good time to switch back to tampons. I bought a couple boxes of Tampax; one for home and one for the office.

Long story short, my first all-tampons menses in recent memory led to some grossness that I don’t need in my life. I got checked out earlier today, and it turns out that not only do I appear to have traumatized my cervix with the pressure of all those little dry wads of fucking cotton, I got a yeast infection AND a bacterial infection to play along with my poor bruised Fun Tunnel. I’m fairly sure this is the first time I’ve had ANY of these pathologies going on, much less all at the same time. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all these things happened right when I switched back to tampons. 

In the meantime, I’m slowly dipping my toes back in the dating pool, and I’m sure y’all can just imagine how sexy I’ve been feeling lately. Oh, yeah, baby, don’t you want a piece of THIS?

(The answer is: no, no healthy person would ever want a piece of this. If my partner’s pussy were in this condition, I would not touch it.)

In the interests of not bringing in any more uninvited guests or ruining the furniture again, I’ve decided not to go through another menses with tampons any time soon. And I wonder how many other people think mass-marketed disposable menstrual products are evil because they’ve had similar experiences. This shit didn’t happen to me when I was a much younger woman, but I’m still plenty young enough to have cycles, and here we are. Maybe my organs are arranged the wrong way, my cycles are a bit too unpredictable, and I have to pee too often to be a good tampon user. Maybe? But then I have to wonder: how many other bodies are weird in the same way? To what extent should bodies fit products, rather than products fit bodies?

Good thing I recently decided to cut way back on drinking; one of my prescriptions is a big no-no with alcohol. I’ll be sober for…let’s say the next nine days, at least.