You all see how I’ve been talking about Game of Thrones lately? And that I seem inordinately interested in the Lannisters?
Yeah, well, I’m still into Game of Thrones. But my loyalties have suddenly changed. Now I realize, everything I believed about the significance of certain characters was due to the confusion of my wine-addled ladybrain. I will no longer allow the charisma of certain POV characters to sway me from the Rightful King.
Sure, I could always see that Stannis and his peeps were significant to the overall plot of the series, but only last night did the truth come to me in a dream: Stannis Baratheon is the guy we should really care about. His feels are our feels.
The Starks are just a bunch of helpless, mewling babies getting tossed around the known world because that’s what happens to weak little pussies who fail to bow down to the mighty when they have the chance. The Lannisters are…geez, what was I thinking? The Lannisters are a bunch of freaks, and not the fun, sparkly kind. They’re the kind of freaks that get preserved in formaldehyde and displayed in museums. Tyrion’s a twisted little demon monkey, and if he can’t man up and claim his rights as a husband on his child bride, then he has no right to call himself the God of Tits and Wine. His father was right, he’s just an ill-made, spiteful little creature. Although Tywin was also a towering douche. Jaime had nothing going for him except his ability to kill people with a sword, and now that he’s lost that, I don’t see why he doesn’t just kill himself. He completely fails as a knight of the Kingsguard, and even worse as their Lord Commander. Looks like a hobbit; an especially small, oddly-proportioned hobbit. Should’ve let the Mad King burn him alive. Don’t even get me started on that big swordswench of his. Big Dumb Bitch from Who Knows Where should’ve married Hyle Hunt when she had the chance, though since she didn’t, I suppose she and her one-handed knight can do Westeros a favor and fall off a cliff together. Cersei is boring and ugly. Her narrative voice in a Feast for Crows is like the literary equivalent of a mealy apple.
Daenerys and her peeps? Can all bite my ass. Jon Snow? Just another one of those worthless Starks. Lady Piggy Tarly? Can fucking drown in the Sunset Sea.
All this time, those boring, worthless fucks have been distracting me from my true love for the Rightful King, Stannis Baratheon. I think the creepy music they play on the show whenever Melisandre appears helped lull me into thinking these were not likable characters, but I won’t make that mistake again. From now on, I’m not even writing novels anymore: just Stannis/Davos smutfic. Selyse will be their joint dominatrix, and Melisandre will be the gestational surrogate for their magically conceived babies. Shireen will play nursemaid to her new little siblings so that Melisandre will be less interested in killing her, but it won’t work; she’ll be burned anyway. This is where it’s at. Stannis/Davos all the way. Just be glad I’m not writing mpreg. If you piss me off hard enough, I just might.
(And if this post is making you wonder if the nice young men in white coats are coming to take me away, check the date at the top. Although the white coats should probably come get me anyway.)