Mike Huckabee’s pants are pre-soaked in gasoline.

Just the other day, former GOP Clown Car Participant Mike Huckabee got in front of the camera and said something about how to reach out to female voters. These are the words that came out of his mouth (screen-capped from Jezebel):

He doesn't even believe this. His pants have been on fire for so long, he no longer feels a burning sensation.

He doesn’t even believe this. His pants have been on fire for so long, he no longer feels a burning sensation.

I will save you the trouble of trying to parse out the meaning behind his rhetoric.

The meaning is that Mike Huckabee is a Fucking Liar.

He slurps down a Bullshit Smoothie for breakfast and shits out nonsense just before lunch. He is the Lyingest Liar Who Ever Lied. He doesn’t just twist the truth or cherry-pick the facts. His message is completely alienated from the Truth. He hasn’t heard from the Truth in years. The Truth filed a restraining order against his sorry candy ass after she finally escaped the chains he’d installed in the secret room in his basement.

The biggest lie isn’t even this rubbed-transparent myth of Government-Funded Birth Control. He’s not talking about women getting the Pill from their Medicaid plans, he’s talking about the ACA mandate for insurers to cover contraceptives without a co-pay. It’s not Uncle Sugar who handed me a zero-copay refill on my WhoreHelper this month; it was my insurance company, which paid for it with the premiums from my employer, which pays for my insurance plan as a benefit of my working for them. (Trust me, I work hard enough for several good health plans, but that’s not even the point, as the money isn’t coming from the Feds.) The Party of Uterus Control has gotten so comfortable with talking about the Government Handing Out Free Birth Control (as if that would be a bad thing) that they’ve forgotten how to talk about the ACA as it really is. (Unless they’ve brought up the image of that helpless employer, especially a Christian one, forced to give birth control to employees. Like the boss has to walk around the office and press a pack of Ortho-Cyclen in every female employee’s purse once a month.) He seeks to rile up Republican voters with the image of Their Tax Money being used to enable all us Slutty McSluttersons to fuck everything in sight. They might actually get a lighter tax bill from Uncle Sugar if as many women as possible had effortless birth control on hand all the time. You have any idea how much Medicaid spends on maternity care?

Anyway, what’s really happening is that the federal government under the Obama administration is making it so that more American women can afford effective contraceptives. It’s true that they want more of us to be able to use birth control, and they’re helping by putting controls in place to make sure we can afford it. That’s what Mike Huckabee expects us to believe is so “disrespectful” to women.

And that brings us to the bigger lie, which is that the way to show women respect is to make us pay through the nose for family planning services. This is where he starts telling us that the moon is made of green cheese, the sky is a lovely shade of peach with lavender polka dots, and the oceans are made of agave syrup. The people who make it possible for men like Mike Huckabee to have political careers do not expect us to “control our libidos.” They don’t want us to have so little sex that we lose interest in prescription birth control. That would mean men also have to “control their libidos” and restrict their sex lives. You know women don’t need birth control so they can have more fun with their vibrators, right? They don’t want married women to refuse sex with their husbands in order to space our their pregnancies. They’re not asking us to swear off sexual relationships until we decide we’re ready for children. These men would not tolerate the loss of sexual activity for themselves that would follow from women taking such measures.

This is a political movement that is actively opposed to women having control over their reproductive systems. They want us to do the opposite of control our reproductive systems. They want us to embrace unintended pregnancy and all the life-derailing complications it brings. Their party stands for the recognition of the capacity of women to get married young and have lots of babies, no matter how unprepared or uninterested they are and no matter how little support they get in raising their children. They want us to be at the mercy of sperm meeting egg and intractably dependent on the men who have sex with us. They want us to be helpless and hopeless creatures whose only goal in life is to produce plenty of underpaid workers and expendable soldiers. Mike Huckabee wants our lives to revolve around unplanned reproduction, and he talks like I should call that “respect.” I don’t think he even believes that much. The opinions of women of childbearing age are irrelevant to Mike Huckabee. He expects us to take what we’re given and act like we love it. And then he wonders why more and more of us vote for Democrats.


3 thoughts on “Mike Huckabee’s pants are pre-soaked in gasoline.

  1. I can’t stand that man. Long before these crazy remarks. How can you tell if a Republican is lying? Yes, that’s the answer, their lips are moving. They hate women ever got the vote never the less anything else. It’s the old barefott and pregnant stance.

    • Huckabee is part of a long, proud tradition of men who’ve been pissed off at women ever since we developed the ability to get pregnant without everyone in the residential collective automatically knowing who the father is. So much of human history makes sense if you view it through the lens of women being punished for having taken away that bit of transparency.

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