Control freak insomniac thinks he’s a real catch.

The best way to show you’re totally ready for True Love is to set up a website in which you spend almost 1400 grammar-impaired words detailing what you must have in a potential partner. And you offer to pay someone to help you find this ideal woman. Yep, this guy’s totally gonna make some beautiful, well-employed yet sexually inexperienced girl very happy. Absolutely. (I will underline all his spelling/grammatical errors, just for fun.)

I am looking for a decent girl that wants to be in a long term monogamus relationship with me.

I want the girl to be attractive.

Wouldn’t it be a refreshing change of pace if we saw someone say, “I want my girlfriend to be as unappealing as possible”? Doesn’t everyone want the girl to be attractive? Isn’t that a tautology, anyway? If you want someone, it’s because she’s attractive to you.

I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl.

*looks at muffin top* Awww, am I not good enough for him?

I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine.

Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me.

Inability to make proper use of the indefinite article is a dealbreaker for me.

I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair.

ZZZZzzz *wakes up suddenly* I’m sorry, was he saying something?

Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.

Bleh. I don’t want to be a bearer of this guy’s favorite hair color. Thank goodness I chopped my mane down to pixie length recently.

I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl.

However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.

This is the part where black women everywhere sigh with relief!

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.

Dude can pry my big chunky Jill Stuart frames off my cold, dead face.

I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man.

This is the most sensible thing he says in the whole list. The world does not need any more of his genes.

I will not date a girl that does not have a job or career.

I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything.

He wants a woman who’s economically independent, yet totally under his control. Y’all watch this next one:

I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.

YOU LIVE IN AMERICA, LEARN TO WRITE IN ENGLISH.

To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!

Her body is the most beautiful work of Art (with a capital A), just as long as it’s not fat or black. And it’s never given birth. And she hasn’t ornamented it on her own terms.

I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again.

*yawn*

I do not like gamblers. I will not be in any relationship with a woman that gambles or wastes money on such things.

I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.

Dude, seriously? Not even the chicks in the locker room at the pool?

I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.

I will not date any guy who uses the word “slut” without irony.

I will not date any girl that can not always be honest & faithful to me. This is very important.

Honest, but will never criticize or disagree with him.

I prefer a girl that does not smoke, but as long as she does not smoke in my house or around me, if she can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I lived with my ex girlfriend for Eleven years, and she was a smoker.

Look, just say you want a non-smoker. Don’t bring your ex into it.

I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.

As evidenced by the way Mr. Sleepless in Austin keeps talking about his ex.

I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all.

I will not date a controlling, judgmental, shallow, unoriginal douche-nugget who can’t even run his long-winded laundry list through a spell-check, so that works out just fine.

I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.

Sarcastic and cynical people tend not to have any patience for delusional nonsense. I can see how that would be a problem for him.

I know sometimes on my website here, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of girl may get along with me.

I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can live in peace together if at some point the girl & I live together. I like to live in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me.

Just don’t say anything unless you know he agrees with it. Smile, nod and act like he’s your lord and master, but don’t expect him to pay for everything.

I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!

Dresses on the conservative side, except for when she puts on a mini skirt and sexy boots or spiked heels to show off her non-overweight bod. Dude’s got some exclamation marks and he needs to put them to good use.

I like a girl that takes care of herself and keeps herself clean of course.

Something tells me this is code for “no body hair, ever.”

I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!

You can order yourself a Real Doll, and specify that she have long red hair, no glasses, weigh no more than 130 pounds, and you can dress her in sexy lingerie and thigh-highs all day long. You’ll never have to worry about her getting a tattoo or piercing. I think that would solve a lot of your problems.

I need a girl that can be very warm & affectionate and loving.

It’s also nice if the girl has a big heart and appreciates simples things, and understands the value of sentimental things etc.

I like a girl that appreciates romance and the art of courtship.

Guys, if you have any 14-year-old sisters, hide them. I suspect this guy likes ’em young.

Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, dear. He will demand that his girlfriend move in with him ASAP, and he’ll get all clingy and possessive if she ever tries to have an overnight without him.

And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha :-D

It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.

Is there such a thing as necessary self-mutilation?

I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.

Now I’m not saying having had a kid or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a woman that’s never had kids if possible. My ex-girlfriend that I was with for Eleven years never had kids, she couldn’t because of a hysterectomy at a young age.

That…is…a lot of word count to devote to why you must have a woman with no obstetrical history. It’s also a very intimate, unnecessary fact to divulge about your ex. It’s a great way to show us how shallow you are, though, in case your aversion to non-skinny bodies wasn’t signal enough. Did you forget the part where you rail on about the evils of sagging tits?

I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship, and I like to give it as well.

I also have a very high sex drive.

I guess that’s why the girl must have a super-tight pussy?

Since you like sex so much, I’ll give you a hint: short hair doesn’t get in the way!