A fish in a barrel full of Santorum.

It’s so easy to pick on Santorum, but if he doesn’t want me throwing shit at him, then he should retire.

Dude, I mean…WTF? Seriously? You saw fit to write this down on a piece of paper and allow it to follow a book to press?

Santorum thinks the modern day world could learn a thing or two from what happened centuries ago.

“Today we are facing a threat to the very foundation our founders laid,” writes Santorum. “That threat does not come from an alien force but from those who are willing and determined to abandon the concept of God-given rights. Like the royalty during the Revolution, today’s elites wish to return to the pre-Revolutionary paradigm in which they, through governmental force, allocate rights and responsibilities.”

If you would use the power of government to force women to make babies they don’t want, you don’t get to complain about the government allocating rights and responsibilities.

And about that “pursuit of happiness” thing? Santorum gives it an edit.

“Did God give us the right to pursue a good time? Don’t get me wrong—happiness is a wonderful emotion and a state to be desired. But is that what our founders really intended to be the pursuit of our country and its people—to be happy? Let’s put it this way: How would you like your tombstone to read, ‘Here lies [your name]. He/she was happy’? Count me out! Isn’t life supposed to be more significant than that? Let’s face it—many of life’s pleasures are not even good for us, as my waistline constantly reminds me.”

I think I just shed a few IQ points from reading that.

Does anyone else notice how the first question about “God” somehow morphs into the second question about “our founders”? Are we talking about what God gives us permission to do, or what our nation’s founders intended? It’s creepy and weird to conflate the two.

To answer your larger question: if you don’t find pleasure in the things that make your life significant, then in my opinion, you need to seek significance in other things. If significance is in opposition to happiness, then something has gone wrong.

For example, this may be strange in a writer, but I find pleasure in revising my book after getting feedback from an editor. There is real satisfaction in hunting down extraneous punctuation and trimming clumsy sentences. You might want to think about that, Santorum. I don’t think you’re using a ghostwriter, so perhaps you could hire a better editor.

One last thing: I don’t ever want to hear about Santorum’s waistline again.

Alyson Miers is the author of Charlinder’s Walk.