Mr. Frothy-Mix fails at useful metaphors.

Dude just never shuts his hole:

Rick Santorum turned more than a few eyebrows on Monday when he explained his opposition to same-sex marriage by holding up a napkin and observing that it was not a paper towel. On Friday, during a meeting with the Des Moines Register, Santorum relied on a similar metaphor to prove why society can’t “redefine” marriage: water is not beer. “It’s like saying this glass of water is a glass of beer. Well, you can call it a glass of beer, but it’s not a glass of beer. It’s a glass of water. And water is what water is. Marriage is what marriage is,” he said.

The napkin/paper towel distinction is especially pathetic; he’s just phoning it in. The difference between a napkin and a paper towel is presentation. By comparing marriage to a glass of water (as opposed to beer), I suppose what he’s trying to say is that marriage is a natural, immutable part of life that hasn’t changed throughout history and is experienced the same way all over the world. Anyone who’s either studied history or looked at a few other countries knows that much is bullshit.

Really, marriage is more like beer. The stuff doesn’t just rain out of the sky. It takes some cultivation and practice. There are several different styles and many possibilities for flavors. It doesn’t occur in nature, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s delicious. Some people find it addictive. It can end up being unhealthy.

Human beings have been having sex—in all different combinations of gender—for far longer than we’ve been getting married. Sex is natural. Procreation is natural, but non-procreative sex is also natural. Marriage is cultural. We’ve redefined it many times over the millennia, and we will continue to do so. Best get used to it, Mr. Frothy-Mix.

Also, I’d be careful if I were Santorum. He has a Google problem already, and if he doesn’t stuff his anti-gay rhetoric, Dan Savage will redefine the name “Rick.”

Please, Santorum; think of the Ricks.