I have a confession to make.

Picture the most godawful, intelligence-insultingly bad movie ever, but make sure it’s full of perky boobs, and what you bring to mind will describe Showgirls.

Yes, that will be the confession: I have seen Showgirls. (Shut up, this is what Netflix is for. It’s so you can satisfy your curiosity about shitty movies at minimal expense.)

I’ll give it this much: it is so hilariously stupid that it crosses well into “so bad it’s good” territory. So I don’t regret having put it into my Netflix queue nearly as much as a dull downer like Margot at the Wedding or an incomprehensible WTF-fest like Synecdoche, New York. However, I do have a suggestion for something that probably would have made it even more fun to watch.

Less of that James dude, more of Elizabeth Berkley making out with Gina Gershon.

The whole storyline with James is pointless; it leads precisely nowhere and it contributes nothing to the plot. It’s not even anywhere near as entertaining as most of the dance numbers or nekkid scenes. It lends nowhere near the pathos that the director seems to think it does. So, since the movie is obviously invested in hot nekkid bodies far more than in plausible storytelling or coherent characterization, just cut out everything with James after he bails her out of jail (or just have Molly bail her out of jail, for that matter), and fill up the extra time with more of Nomi locking lips with Cristal. Because that part was hot, the storyline was even kind of compelling, and the payoff took way too damn long.

But all that said, I also found it kind of jarring to see Elizabeth Berkley’s mostly godawful performance in this terrible movie. I kept seeing Jessie’s face from Saved by the Bell and was all offended to see her portraying this nonsensical character. It’s like part of my adolescence has been vandalized. Although, the part where Nomi beats the shit out of that Andrew Carver creep? Awesome.